Visions of Autumn Leaves

Vicious feelings of loss and hate and despair wanting to escape.
To breathe fresh air.
The twitching sensation, painful yet again.
No, won't let you rape me again. I am not the one who you knew.
He died a tragic death. He suffered much pain and waited long and hard.
If only you had looked, you will find the many deep scars on him.
He is gone in his much deserved eternal slumber to never be disturbed in peace and love.
And no, he hopes not to meet you in the next world in his wake.
Seeing my self in a smoky dive bar wailing away.
Letting Chihiro sing of my fatalistic murmurings...
The whining, the whisper, the ungodly scream from the depth of my being.
Opening my self for the whole universe to see and experience.
This tide wont be taking me away...

So What?

Meeting the ocean coming from the heaven after the cliff. The entry into the sky of blue with green streaks across it. The universe in a different light, from a different point in the spectrum.

To finally feel every release as I breathe and feel the ever so silent laughter amongst the flowers as I walk by. The breathing of the earth beneath my feet as I walk over it. The lingering caress of the passing seasons.

At night, the universe up above my face, whispering about the light beyond the seventh galaxy and the many moons and stars of every color you could think of. The way to the truth and the life I have chosen, savage and true and unyielding... Already there but not there yet, try so hard to remember so that it could be forgotten, troublesome paradox although they exist to reveal more doors to open.

To wake up in the morning and feel the consciousness of the leaves as the morning dew slides off... To taste the sweetness of the youth of the day and learn in earnest the lessons of the passing of time and patience and love...

Gathering of Spirits

Glorious feedback... Like you hear it tearing apart the front row, coming from raging Marshall fullstacks cranked up to destroy the world

While the feedback I managed to coax out of my "Going Merry" (my pedal board) and the ever so unwieldy Fender Princeton is approximately the same effect. It would have been really psychedelic to have towering Marshalls on stage but nonetheless it still feels so exciting hearing the signal to get ready to rock out

After more than 8 months of having not played gig and looking for other musicians to fill in the gaps in our backline, we finally did it. A live, raw, and kick-ass gig. Across the smokey bar, is Temari's voice so sweet and lovely with every of the string and in an outburst of emotion howls filled the 2-storey bar. Her first bar gig was a success, and I couldn't be happier, my Temari who looked like Stevie Rays' Lenny. She sang so well last night, telling me more what else I need to make her sing even better :-)

People shouting for some some songs in the same vein (Texas Flood!), and i called out to them with my index finger pointing out to them, "next time next time...". That was a wonderful feeling along with the cheer from the crowd. Then the next band shaking my hands with good words was an awesome experience, humbling, and telling me even more to top my self even higher the next time.

And the other guys are happy too, and that should pump us up to push on, to go out there and do it, to better ourselves at each turn. To spread where it needs spreading, to clip where it needs clipping, as we are intensely subjected to the Wind Tunnel that is also the name of our ensemble. We'll be chipped constructively for as long as we see the shedding that way. I'm so happy we did well on our initial effort outside. And now, there is so much more to do, so much more to learn, and learn I must.

Got the Blues...

Blue in Green... Thats a Miles Davis song that I am listening to right now, and it just stepped on a soft spot in my heart and boy did it hurt.

You know how its like in a party where everyone is really pleasant to talk to and everyone is happy, until somebody forks out a message that has never come up and then suddenly its right up your grill and the happy mood is gone. Then everyone makes way for the door wanting to get away, wanting to find out what they absolutely feel of the recent happening.

Or imagine yourself ascending from a deep free dive, the fear of drowning, the immense preassure holding you down and you fight it and swim upwards for air. Your head about to explode, and you hussle, upwards into the light, and there was light, and then shallow water black out. And perhaps you find yourself in another place, far beyond the weave of time.

Like getting all the inspiration to play the blues with savage conviction and intensity and yet losing the inspiration for anything else. Not a moment to rest I guess, even for pity's sake. Never had the chance to catch my breath until somebody would _eventually_ (maybe) take it away.

Hurtfull Tendencies

The summer sun isn't the friendliest of blokes nowadays. While on my way back to the office, an exchange dug out past feelings. I'll feelings that perhaps I don't even deserve to feel. It's hard but at some point in my past I have come to feel that I was only as good as I am usefull to a select group of people who I have come to value so much. Never hearing from them until they have need of my assistance. To be treated like a mercenery when I have come to their aid as a friend. To be taken for granted. To feel unimportant and unwanted.

Drifting Apart

After several months of afterwork practice and lugging my guitars and gears around studios, the old half of our band has decided that its not working out and both of us have had it.

The last rehearsal was so horrible, that i nearly snapped. It was a bad night, the bassist had me waiting at the mall for more than 30 minutes without answering calls and messages. Was already burned out when I got there, and the shaky groove of the rhythm section just did it for me. :-

I talked with Albert this afternoon, and hes about had it too. Meet up with our rhythm section to annouce that we are gonna disband this mess. Luckily though, Albert was able to hook up with Alain, an old acquaintance, my teachers old bandmate. Were gonna take a break and then meet up with the new rhythm section. I see some veterans coming aboard and much older guys, this looks like it will work but this time we'll definitely choose to our liking.

A Bards Woe

It's been an easy day, not much work but its still troublesome having to work on saturdays. I should be at home studying and woodshedding.

After this week, its gonna be a full 2 weeks without a rehearsal. The other week I got so frustrated inside the studio while my arm was taking a beating. My left arm was getting sore would almost lose my grip of the neck everytime I'd do a wide vibrato. It was becoming too painful not bacause the piece was difficult but because I have to go through the solo spot over and over and over and over again, I think I nearly got burned out of our drummer and bassist

Whats missing? Well the guys are fine, but they are not playing in the pocket so the whole drive is in utter disarray at times. I hope they do their homeworks now. I probably can't blame them as I spend every waking moment thinking about it. When idle, I'd sometimes think of a random key and would map out the intervals and extract the notes constituting its major scale (my assignment) and identify the modes I am familiar with. Sometimes I'd burst out of the office to catch my bus ride home, to be there as early as possible just to be able practice, study, and noodle about. I even miss my guitars!

Today I asked a friend who owns a studio to give me leads to smallish projects so I could remain active outside my room. Teaching gigs, session work, whatever, just to further develop my self as a musician. I hope something turns out. I even told our singer to do some side projects while were waiting to move out in full force.

I hope those two bone-up real quick because I really miss having not to worry about the rhythm section while I do my thing. Oh well, can't rush musical maturity. Since practice is cancelled I'm gonna drop by at Sam's place to try out his delay pedal and new guitar and try again his 7-string. I bet Chihiro will beat the crap out of his fingers